Heya DB, just a little something from me. First of all, well done. I liked it, it keeps you interested. I'd love to see chapter 2!
Second, just a few tips. Putting something between *stars* is fine when you are writing an RPG, but when you're writing a novel or story by yourself I would refrain from doing so. You might want to change it to something like:
The radio chatters and an agitated voice shouts through the speakers. "Unit 23 is down, there is a conformation on heavy weaponry. We need to stop that car!"It gives your story a little more dynamics.
Also, you should watch for comma's, dots and the use of capital letters. It's important because it ups the level of enjoyment for the reader (at least in my experience, it does).
Mokay, really you shouldn't take this the wrong way, because the next few things I wrote down are just the things I picked up. Hope it helps
- Quote :
- The recollection dawned on him once more, and just as quickly as it came it was pushed away at the same moment.
There is no need for the words 'at the same moment' at the end of the sentence. It weakens it more than strengthens it.
- Quote :
- such thoughts would of killed him instantly
- Quote :
- He would of admired it more
To what use is the word of? I'm thinking you might mean 'would have', or maybe you can leave it out completely.
- Quote :
- "dammit what the hell was that", said one of the robbers
This is what I meant with watching the spelling bit
In my opinion, it should be:
"Damnit, what the hell was that?" said one of the robbers. - Quote :
- when he made his landing and pistol was pointed
'And' should be 'a' I think?
Subject: Light of Darkness Discussion 
Sun Feb 08, 2009 3:00 pm
my bad, I meant the 'and' between 'landing' and 'pistol'.
