Black Nettle Hill

I know that this isn't a forum that has crits, I'm actually looking for a private crit group at the moment but can't seem to find a good one on the net.

PS. there is one swear word in this ><

So anyway I've plotted and world built until I thought my brain was going to explode then finally today I got my first scene down for black nettle hill. I'm really bad for rereading things, you know the good suggestion 'never look back on your first draft' I can't help myself. I'm looking over it and freaking out. So I want to show you guys and see what you think. Is this choppy?

One

The church was not much to speak of, though to the people of Valence it afforded the only stability left to them. Stripped of their right to live, undead or dying they moved in shadows and hid in their cities and towns afraid to step foot beyond the boarders of their lands. If they did frightful things happened to them.

“Have you ever seen one of us?” appetencies Lit asked?

“Seen one what?” one of the youngsters enrolled within the priesthood school asked.

“Seen one of us turn to dust when walking outside the walls of Valence.”
Taleska leaned back against the course stone wall of the church listening intently to Lit. It was old wives tales, however now brought frightfully to life. She’d heard them to, people would walk outside the walls of Valence and crumble into earth.

“Just like that, gone,” Lit finished off her thoughts for her.

"Really?" a wide eyed boy asked his eyes searching Lit for any sign of truth in his face. Lit nodded his head in a sombre manner. No need to frighten little children with tales of wolves anymore the concept of dust was far more frightening.

The church was dim. Candles struggling to shine wavered and danced, Taleska stared at them thoughtfully. So that was it? She would step outside the walls of Valence and vanish just like those before her. Would Destiny or Fate make an exception for her? she highly doubted it. Yet she would go, as a proud member of the Black hearts the only ones who truly cared what happened to the people in Valence.

The Black hearts had been formed by brethren Mardus, an old priest with leathery cheeks who watched each week as throngs of people came in and out his doors asking of Destiny what they had not done right. Why their families died and were buried only to dig themselves up again and frequent the family compounds they had lived in whilst alive. Of course the statue of Destiny did not answer them she only stared with her wide eyes not letting a slip of her knowledge. Mean while her sister fate stood behind them with a stone carved sword in hand looking ready to stab them in the backs for questioning her beloved sibling.

Taleska looked to the white marble statues up the stairs and perched on pedestals they stood where they always did, unobtrusive and void of answers. She felt an urge to shake her head but dared not, it would be an abomination to the religious and to the blackhearts.

Soon Father Vigil stepped out from his quarters beyond the white statues. The eyes of half the town fell upon him, it was as if in his own right Vigil was a good himself his old mucus looking eyes stared upon the crowd. All whispers and disgruntled thoughts fell to silence as they looked upon a new leader. Life had stopped until Vigil had saved them from their despair. He ascended a small podium and gave one final sweeping look with his eyes before beginning to speak.

“Our world has crumpled,” he started in his raspy voice.

“We are dead and dying and none dare to step a foot forward in the direction the problem has come. There are no physicians seeking explanations and cures. Even the wretched feline men have packed their belongings and fled from us. Our own leaders have sealed themselves into the walls of their castle and will not come out to aid us. We know the cause of this foul seed. Has it not been written that Gilmore takes pleasure in learning and teaching great arts of darkness. Where we represent life they represent death…”

“The Whore Vishkah,” A pale looking man, with darkly ringed eyes shouted.

His fists were clenched by his sides. Father Vigil matched his anger with furious eyes. Taleska felt his anger, why bring such distasteful words into the masses. The woman was learning her lesson now. Half her face maimed and not even able to leave her compound out of fear that she would be beaten once again. Taleska had heard men boast about being dead causing no pain. But it did the emotional pain was still there as long as you were one of the new dead. Not one of the old with a broken down rotting brain.

“She was a small part, not the root of all this,” Father Vigil replied his voice tart. A heavy silence took hold of the group. Something between anger for Vishkah and perhaps disappointment at having upset the good father of destiny.

“Gilmore has done this to us, who will stand with me at the time Yashi draws near and take an eye for an eye in the name of our lady justice?”
Yashi the good of the fair and just was celebrated just once a year for all the good the old saint did the people of Undercroft. It made sense to Taleska that now would be the right time to exact revenge on Gilmore. There had been times before where people had gone outside the walls and died trying to take the plague back to it’s home lands. Taleska would do it this time, she was determined if Destiny was not with her then surely Yashi was.

She stepped forwards with a proud smiled and the father smiled upon her as he often had. She had been a favourite with him since she was a young child. She had given herself to him many times. Her hands for work and body for his pleasure, there was no greater role to for fill. Men not wanting to be outdone in by a woman in the eyes of Destiny and fate stepped forwards also. Until the room moved in a sea of acceptance. Yet in the shadows Taleska could see one person hanging back looking haunted. She smiled as she recognised him. Vishkah’s husband.

Hey, Gloom,

I read it and it seems mostly clear. The ending reads as an ending for a chapter not the ending for a story so I assume that this is just the beginning.

Honestly, this isn't really the usual genre I prefer to read but I have to say you do a good job with it. You're very good with bringing new ideas into play.

There are a few nitpicks which I'll give you if you're ready for them. If this is a draft that will be changed there isn't much point, though.

Overall, I'd say good job!

Thanks so much for reading I really need it just to keep me going. I wouldn't mind hearing the nit picks just so i know what my problem areas are

Okie doke. I'll hunt 'em down soon as I go get my kiddo up and give him breakfast.

And yvw. Your ideas are always interesting.

You're to kind to me ^_^ thanks Foxee and thanks about the ideas, I've been freaking out lately thinking they're awful

this was really well written, Gloomberg... good imagery... the only real problem i saw was punctuation and grammar, and even that was here and there... i like the idea of people submitting pieces like this more often... and those up to critiquing should give it an honest go...

Ok, that's it. Post more. You got exactly 3 seconds.

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Just 1 now.

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Ok I'll waith...

Thanks ^_^ guys I really needed that support I feel like i can go on writing, for some reason the start is hardest for me. I've only ever finished one novel before. Anyway If you want I can post more, it will take me a while to do so. I've got a pretty full on day and weekend ahead of me. So Monday I should put up something fresh

Wow! I know it took a while for me to get around to read this, but this is pretty darned good! Only a couple of punctuation, grammer issues but only teeny, tiny ones.

Thanks for the good read mate!